Journal 6/1/11

I have not written for days and yet life continues to unfold unexpectedly. There are moments that I believe I’m in control of my life and it will always be the fairytale I’ve imaged. A fairytale it is, but not even close to what I dreamed. It is different so much different.

It’s interesting how Heavenly Father works. I’ve grown up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints all my life. I’ve experience miracles and watched my own faith grow. I’ve been through trials that have shaped me and moment of uneasiness with the lord. He always seems to remind me that things don’t happen on my time but his. And as the free spirit I am I continue to test him, trying to get things my way.

Background Dreams: I always had my life planned out. I’d graduate High School go to college and get a degree. Then move on to traveling the world and serving a LDS mission. Shortly after marrying my best friend around age 24 and have kids two or three years later.

Reality: I graduated High School and went to college. (Still undecided on a degree). I was blessed enough to go to Africa. Yes, I did marry my best friend just three years earlier than planned.
My point is my life does not unfold on my time line. I know that, I keep getting reminded of its truth. Here I am 25 and in my mind 6 years ago, I’d just be getting married.

How grateful I am to be married to the world’s greatest man for 4 years instead and have a beautiful little girl. Not only that but instead of just getting married Heavenly Father had a bigger plan. This year I get to bring an Angel into this world. A spirit so pure and sweet that white is dull against her beauty.

I never imaged Angels in my fairytale of life, but the lord did. September 11, 2011 is the due date of our sweet girl Autumn Faith Lupus. We look to the future with great anticipation to meet that amazing, noble spirit.
Whenever I would tell someone my due date they would cringe at the thought of September 11th due to the tragedy years ago. But, I always smiled and said that is the day hero’s were born. What a beautiful day.

Friday the 13th (May) Caz and I learned our little baby girl was more than just a baby. That is the day we saw a specialist in Ultrasounds at Utah Valley Hospital where we were informed our baby had severe birth defects. As we went through the ultra sound with the doctor he pointed out her Omphalocele, which is her liver and bowls out side her body. Lissencephaly, smooth brain that causes severe mental retardation and other motor problems. Ventricular septal defect (VSD), which is a whole in her heart. Agenesis of the corpus callosum that are other brain defect. Clubfeet and hands. After the ultra sound was all said and done we went into the office and that is where the doctors explained everything that was going on with our baby and they were concerned that she would also have Trisomy 18, and many other problems we can not see. Becki the Genetics counselor told us it’s not a matter of if she’ll live it’s a matter of when she’ll die. 90% of babies with Trisomy 18 are stillborns and the other 10% only live a few hours. In that moment, the uneasy feelings I’d had this whole pregnancy were confirmed. So many people’s lives would have been shattered with the news. Some would abort and other would get depressed. I cannot lie; our hearts ached for our little girl. Tears were pored from our face as we held each other both wanting to fight for her life. The idea of bring home a normal baby were shattered that day. But faith and hope filled the shattered whole. Instead of normal we get angel. Instead of easiness we get faith.

Becki also told us off the record we are all given a time to parent, some of us don’t know how long that is days, years or just a few moments. We need to parent the best we can and love our child the time we have them. So if our baby girl only lives a few hours do we want her in surgery or do we want to hold her.

I want to hold her and kiss her little face and tell her I’m so happy she is part of our family. That she has a mom and dad that love her more than life. That we will be together forever. I want to promise her I’m going to work hard then extra hard to make it to heaven because that is where eternity is, that is where she will be. That she’s my angel on a cloud. She’s my Autumn Faith. The soul in the wind, the whisper of truth. Eternal life and an example of service. Though I can’t feel her fragile body move inside of mine. We are connected all the same. Spirit and heart, body and soul. She’s my baby girl and I love her so much.
May 17th I went in for an Amniocentesis where they take fluid from the sack and test for Trisomy 18 and other problems. Good news, testing came back normal so we have a better chance of getting her here. The lab is doing deeper testing and hopefully they will have more results for us next week. We will take one miracle at a time. Thank you for all the prayers. Just remember the Lord knows us better then we know ourselves. Trust him and your life will be more than you ever dreamed.