Journal 7/15/2011

Autumn Faith, also known as potatoe bug, stinka’ bug and little peanut.

Autumn and I have successfully completed our MRI and Ultrasound at the University of Utah Hospital yesterday. With every doctor appointment we find something else wrong with our little angel but at the same time we find something good too. The good news is Autumn has the most adorable feet ever. Though they are clubbed and each facing a different direction it’s actually kind of cute. MRI pictures are so much more detailed then an Ultrasound, her little nose looks so cute. She has finally gained some weight the little stinker. She is 2 lbs. 1 oz. We were so surprised and excited to hear. The best thing is she has a big heart… Her heart is actually about the size they would expect but because her chest cavity is not growing her heart takes up almost the whole thing. Which is a huge problem for her lungs. But I loved that they said she has a big heart. I believe that!
We have met with some of the best Doctors in the country the past two weeks. Both Dr. Woodward and Dr. Byrne went over Autumn’s file together. Dr. Woodward is a Radiologist and one eccentric lady. Caz and I just laugh after every time she talks with us. She’s extremely animated and sways her whole body while talking. The first time we met her I thought this lady has to be on speed, crack and 72 cups of coffee. I wish we could video her, she is just hilarious. Dr. Byrne delivers a lot of babies with multiple birth defects and a specialist at the U. Caz and I are confident in their knowledge and experience as doctors and feel that we are in the best hands that is a comfort in itself.

Yesterday we met with Dr. Byrne to get the MRI and Ultrasound results. Everything that Autumn had up against her at the beginning she still has but they think instead of having Lissencephaly she has Polymicrogyria (the frontal lobe in her brain is not growing or even close to touching the scull). Her spine is severely curved, her head is now tipped up, she is extremely small, and her chest is not growing so they are worried about her lungs. Oh, I also have 4 times the amount of fluid than I do baby. I feel like I’m going to pop any minute and my belly is huge for having a 2 lb. baby. Dr. Byrne told us on full medical support little Autumn would not make it. Therefore she does not recommend a c-section. She would like us to deliver at the U vaginally with other Doctors there incase she surprises us and comes out kicking and screaming.

My heart ached in those moments. I’ve been planning on having a c-section to better the chances of getting her here. My one desire is to hold her alive even if it is for a few seconds.

Dr. Byrne said the out come will be the same c-section or vaginally, she could pass away during a c-section also. If we did a c-section it would not change things. So we now need to do what is the best for my body and future deliveries, which would be having Autumn vaginally. It’s our choice in the end but that is what she thinks would be best.

We go up to the U next week to meet with the ICU doctors and Dr. Byrne to schedule delivery. We are thinking within the next three weeks we should be bringing that little stinka’ bug into the world and see what she is capable of.

I know all things work out in the end. I’m going to remain faithful that I will get to hold her alive because I know Heavenly Father loves me and I’ve felt deep in my heart I’d be able to. It may not be on my time line, which it usually is not. If I don’t get to hold her living in this life I know in the next I will. Whatever happens, whatever Heavenly Fathers plan is, however hard it may be we will press forward with faith in him.

Through the blessing of trials is where we really learn how to live, to love with a deeper meaning then before. Through mourning we learn to mourn with others. Through our trials is where we learn to stand. How we stand is up to us, the reaction the motivation to move forward with the light is up to us no matter how small or great the problems we face are. We are here to learn. Learn through our trials and trials of others. My heart goes out to all others that have suffered the loss of a child. My heart goes out to all others that suffer at all no matter what their trial may be. I pray I may always stand by and support those around me as we go through life. My love for people and life has grown immensely in the passed few months. I love you all!

To Autumn Faith: I cannot wait to kiss your toes angel girl.