She taught us to LOVE deeper. To find the good in all people and to cherish the ones we have.
I understand the gift of families in a way I never did before, and for that I'm thankful.
There is that gorgeous hair again.
Thank you NLMDTS and Heidi for taking beautiful pictures
Her tinny body held a huge spirit that changes us for the better. Baby girl as the leaves change colors and the wind blows today you are my Autumn Faith. I love you so much more than you'll ever know. ( that is until I get to Heaven and kiss your face a billion times) when Life is Over the Veil with End... and I'll see you again...... L.O.V.E
She taught us to LOVE deeper. To find the good in all people and to cherish the ones we have.
I understand the gift of families in a way I never did before, and for that I'm thankful.
There is that gorgeous hair again.
She taught us to LOVE deeper. To find the good in all people and to cherish the ones we have.
I understand the gift of families in a way I never did before, and for that I'm thankful.
There is that gorgeous hair again.
Meet my Avatar baby Autumn Faith
I love this picture, her little crooked nose and the funniest thing is it totally looks like she's wearing an ear ring. hahaha
Autumn is wearing Caz's wedding ring on her wrist. I love her little purple hands. Yes, this may be prettier to you in black and white but I love her just the way she was; purple...
Oakley and Autumn (Oakley always pokes people, so of course sister got poked as well)
She has her Dad's beautiful hair. I always hoped one of our girls would get his great hair.
We have our matching bracelets I made.
Autumn is wearing Caz's wedding ring on her wrist. I love her little purple hands. Yes, this may be prettier to you in black and white but I love her just the way she was; purple...
Oakley and Autumn (Oakley always pokes people, so of course sister got poked as well)
She has her Dad's beautiful hair. I always hoped one of our girls would get his great hair.
We have our matching bracelets I made.
Death is an evil beauty!
Evil for those that feel they were robbed of life,
left behind not yet ready to let go.
It can bring out the very worst in people.
It is beauty for those of us with faith and understanding
that we are not in control,
That life is a long and short gift all at the same time.
Death is not the end but only the begining.
A begining for those of us left behind to stand taller, braver and
face the future with the pure force of love. It's the begining for the dead
for they finally get their wings.
Those with wings and us with none must be angels until our work in done.
Evil for those that feel they were robbed of life,
left behind not yet ready to let go.
It can bring out the very worst in people.
It is beauty for those of us with faith and understanding
that we are not in control,
That life is a long and short gift all at the same time.
Death is not the end but only the begining.
A begining for those of us left behind to stand taller, braver and
face the future with the pure force of love. It's the begining for the dead
for they finally get their wings.
Those with wings and us with none must be angels until our work in done.
Autumn Faith
Autumn Faith was born
July 27, 2011
1:05 am 2lbs. 8oz. 17in.
She is our Faith and Angel in Heaven.
She passed away during delivery. Detailed post coming soon.
We love you baby girl.... xoxoxox
The Sunday before delivery. 32 weeks prego with the belly the size of a 42 week prego girl.
July 27, 2011
1:05 am 2lbs. 8oz. 17in.
She is our Faith and Angel in Heaven.
She passed away during delivery. Detailed post coming soon.
We love you baby girl.... xoxoxox
The Sunday before delivery. 32 weeks prego with the belly the size of a 42 week prego girl.
THANK YOU
CAZ,OAKLEY AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH THE VERY BEST FAMILY AND FRIENDS IN ALL THE WORLD. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS FOR YOUR LOVE,SUPPORT,PRAYERS AND FASTING. YOUR KIND WORDS, PHONE CALLS AND TEXT MESSAGES. WE HAVE THE STRONGEST SUPPORT SYSTEM OUT THERE. THANK YOU, THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH.
Journal 7/15/2011
Autumn Faith, also known as potatoe bug, stinka’ bug and little peanut.
Autumn and I have successfully completed our MRI and Ultrasound at the University of Utah Hospital yesterday. With every doctor appointment we find something else wrong with our little angel but at the same time we find something good too. The good news is Autumn has the most adorable feet ever. Though they are clubbed and each facing a different direction it’s actually kind of cute. MRI pictures are so much more detailed then an Ultrasound, her little nose looks so cute. She has finally gained some weight the little stinker. She is 2 lbs. 1 oz. We were so surprised and excited to hear. The best thing is she has a big heart… Her heart is actually about the size they would expect but because her chest cavity is not growing her heart takes up almost the whole thing. Which is a huge problem for her lungs. But I loved that they said she has a big heart. I believe that!
We have met with some of the best Doctors in the country the past two weeks. Both Dr. Woodward and Dr. Byrne went over Autumn’s file together. Dr. Woodward is a Radiologist and one eccentric lady. Caz and I just laugh after every time she talks with us. She’s extremely animated and sways her whole body while talking. The first time we met her I thought this lady has to be on speed, crack and 72 cups of coffee. I wish we could video her, she is just hilarious. Dr. Byrne delivers a lot of babies with multiple birth defects and a specialist at the U. Caz and I are confident in their knowledge and experience as doctors and feel that we are in the best hands that is a comfort in itself.
Yesterday we met with Dr. Byrne to get the MRI and Ultrasound results. Everything that Autumn had up against her at the beginning she still has but they think instead of having Lissencephaly she has Polymicrogyria (the frontal lobe in her brain is not growing or even close to touching the scull). Her spine is severely curved, her head is now tipped up, she is extremely small, and her chest is not growing so they are worried about her lungs. Oh, I also have 4 times the amount of fluid than I do baby. I feel like I’m going to pop any minute and my belly is huge for having a 2 lb. baby. Dr. Byrne told us on full medical support little Autumn would not make it. Therefore she does not recommend a c-section. She would like us to deliver at the U vaginally with other Doctors there incase she surprises us and comes out kicking and screaming.
My heart ached in those moments. I’ve been planning on having a c-section to better the chances of getting her here. My one desire is to hold her alive even if it is for a few seconds.
Dr. Byrne said the out come will be the same c-section or vaginally, she could pass away during a c-section also. If we did a c-section it would not change things. So we now need to do what is the best for my body and future deliveries, which would be having Autumn vaginally. It’s our choice in the end but that is what she thinks would be best.
We go up to the U next week to meet with the ICU doctors and Dr. Byrne to schedule delivery. We are thinking within the next three weeks we should be bringing that little stinka’ bug into the world and see what she is capable of.
I know all things work out in the end. I’m going to remain faithful that I will get to hold her alive because I know Heavenly Father loves me and I’ve felt deep in my heart I’d be able to. It may not be on my time line, which it usually is not. If I don’t get to hold her living in this life I know in the next I will. Whatever happens, whatever Heavenly Fathers plan is, however hard it may be we will press forward with faith in him.
Through the blessing of trials is where we really learn how to live, to love with a deeper meaning then before. Through mourning we learn to mourn with others. Through our trials is where we learn to stand. How we stand is up to us, the reaction the motivation to move forward with the light is up to us no matter how small or great the problems we face are. We are here to learn. Learn through our trials and trials of others. My heart goes out to all others that have suffered the loss of a child. My heart goes out to all others that suffer at all no matter what their trial may be. I pray I may always stand by and support those around me as we go through life. My love for people and life has grown immensely in the passed few months. I love you all!
To Autumn Faith: I cannot wait to kiss your toes angel girl.
Autumn and I have successfully completed our MRI and Ultrasound at the University of Utah Hospital yesterday. With every doctor appointment we find something else wrong with our little angel but at the same time we find something good too. The good news is Autumn has the most adorable feet ever. Though they are clubbed and each facing a different direction it’s actually kind of cute. MRI pictures are so much more detailed then an Ultrasound, her little nose looks so cute. She has finally gained some weight the little stinker. She is 2 lbs. 1 oz. We were so surprised and excited to hear. The best thing is she has a big heart… Her heart is actually about the size they would expect but because her chest cavity is not growing her heart takes up almost the whole thing. Which is a huge problem for her lungs. But I loved that they said she has a big heart. I believe that!
We have met with some of the best Doctors in the country the past two weeks. Both Dr. Woodward and Dr. Byrne went over Autumn’s file together. Dr. Woodward is a Radiologist and one eccentric lady. Caz and I just laugh after every time she talks with us. She’s extremely animated and sways her whole body while talking. The first time we met her I thought this lady has to be on speed, crack and 72 cups of coffee. I wish we could video her, she is just hilarious. Dr. Byrne delivers a lot of babies with multiple birth defects and a specialist at the U. Caz and I are confident in their knowledge and experience as doctors and feel that we are in the best hands that is a comfort in itself.
Yesterday we met with Dr. Byrne to get the MRI and Ultrasound results. Everything that Autumn had up against her at the beginning she still has but they think instead of having Lissencephaly she has Polymicrogyria (the frontal lobe in her brain is not growing or even close to touching the scull). Her spine is severely curved, her head is now tipped up, she is extremely small, and her chest is not growing so they are worried about her lungs. Oh, I also have 4 times the amount of fluid than I do baby. I feel like I’m going to pop any minute and my belly is huge for having a 2 lb. baby. Dr. Byrne told us on full medical support little Autumn would not make it. Therefore she does not recommend a c-section. She would like us to deliver at the U vaginally with other Doctors there incase she surprises us and comes out kicking and screaming.
My heart ached in those moments. I’ve been planning on having a c-section to better the chances of getting her here. My one desire is to hold her alive even if it is for a few seconds.
Dr. Byrne said the out come will be the same c-section or vaginally, she could pass away during a c-section also. If we did a c-section it would not change things. So we now need to do what is the best for my body and future deliveries, which would be having Autumn vaginally. It’s our choice in the end but that is what she thinks would be best.
We go up to the U next week to meet with the ICU doctors and Dr. Byrne to schedule delivery. We are thinking within the next three weeks we should be bringing that little stinka’ bug into the world and see what she is capable of.
I know all things work out in the end. I’m going to remain faithful that I will get to hold her alive because I know Heavenly Father loves me and I’ve felt deep in my heart I’d be able to. It may not be on my time line, which it usually is not. If I don’t get to hold her living in this life I know in the next I will. Whatever happens, whatever Heavenly Fathers plan is, however hard it may be we will press forward with faith in him.
Through the blessing of trials is where we really learn how to live, to love with a deeper meaning then before. Through mourning we learn to mourn with others. Through our trials is where we learn to stand. How we stand is up to us, the reaction the motivation to move forward with the light is up to us no matter how small or great the problems we face are. We are here to learn. Learn through our trials and trials of others. My heart goes out to all others that have suffered the loss of a child. My heart goes out to all others that suffer at all no matter what their trial may be. I pray I may always stand by and support those around me as we go through life. My love for people and life has grown immensely in the passed few months. I love you all!
To Autumn Faith: I cannot wait to kiss your toes angel girl.
Yes, we still LOVE each other.
I married my best friend 4 years ago today. I wouldn't want to go through life with anyone other than him by my side.
Yes, it's true I never intended on feeding him that cake. I went straight for the face from the begining.
Yes, it's true I never intended on feeding him that cake. I went straight for the face from the begining.
Journal 6/1/11
I have not written for days and yet life continues to unfold unexpectedly. There are moments that I believe I’m in control of my life and it will always be the fairytale I’ve imaged. A fairytale it is, but not even close to what I dreamed. It is different so much different.
It’s interesting how Heavenly Father works. I’ve grown up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints all my life. I’ve experience miracles and watched my own faith grow. I’ve been through trials that have shaped me and moment of uneasiness with the lord. He always seems to remind me that things don’t happen on my time but his. And as the free spirit I am I continue to test him, trying to get things my way.
Background Dreams: I always had my life planned out. I’d graduate High School go to college and get a degree. Then move on to traveling the world and serving a LDS mission. Shortly after marrying my best friend around age 24 and have kids two or three years later.
Reality: I graduated High School and went to college. (Still undecided on a degree). I was blessed enough to go to Africa. Yes, I did marry my best friend just three years earlier than planned.
My point is my life does not unfold on my time line. I know that, I keep getting reminded of its truth. Here I am 25 and in my mind 6 years ago, I’d just be getting married.
How grateful I am to be married to the world’s greatest man for 4 years instead and have a beautiful little girl. Not only that but instead of just getting married Heavenly Father had a bigger plan. This year I get to bring an Angel into this world. A spirit so pure and sweet that white is dull against her beauty.
I never imaged Angels in my fairytale of life, but the lord did. September 11, 2011 is the due date of our sweet girl Autumn Faith Lupus. We look to the future with great anticipation to meet that amazing, noble spirit.
Whenever I would tell someone my due date they would cringe at the thought of September 11th due to the tragedy years ago. But, I always smiled and said that is the day hero’s were born. What a beautiful day.
Friday the 13th (May) Caz and I learned our little baby girl was more than just a baby. That is the day we saw a specialist in Ultrasounds at Utah Valley Hospital where we were informed our baby had severe birth defects. As we went through the ultra sound with the doctor he pointed out her Omphalocele, which is her liver and bowls out side her body. Lissencephaly, smooth brain that causes severe mental retardation and other motor problems. Ventricular septal defect (VSD), which is a whole in her heart. Agenesis of the corpus callosum that are other brain defect. Clubfeet and hands. After the ultra sound was all said and done we went into the office and that is where the doctors explained everything that was going on with our baby and they were concerned that she would also have Trisomy 18, and many other problems we can not see. Becki the Genetics counselor told us it’s not a matter of if she’ll live it’s a matter of when she’ll die. 90% of babies with Trisomy 18 are stillborns and the other 10% only live a few hours. In that moment, the uneasy feelings I’d had this whole pregnancy were confirmed. So many people’s lives would have been shattered with the news. Some would abort and other would get depressed. I cannot lie; our hearts ached for our little girl. Tears were pored from our face as we held each other both wanting to fight for her life. The idea of bring home a normal baby were shattered that day. But faith and hope filled the shattered whole. Instead of normal we get angel. Instead of easiness we get faith.
Becki also told us off the record we are all given a time to parent, some of us don’t know how long that is days, years or just a few moments. We need to parent the best we can and love our child the time we have them. So if our baby girl only lives a few hours do we want her in surgery or do we want to hold her.
I want to hold her and kiss her little face and tell her I’m so happy she is part of our family. That she has a mom and dad that love her more than life. That we will be together forever. I want to promise her I’m going to work hard then extra hard to make it to heaven because that is where eternity is, that is where she will be. That she’s my angel on a cloud. She’s my Autumn Faith. The soul in the wind, the whisper of truth. Eternal life and an example of service. Though I can’t feel her fragile body move inside of mine. We are connected all the same. Spirit and heart, body and soul. She’s my baby girl and I love her so much.
May 17th I went in for an Amniocentesis where they take fluid from the sack and test for Trisomy 18 and other problems. Good news, testing came back normal so we have a better chance of getting her here. The lab is doing deeper testing and hopefully they will have more results for us next week. We will take one miracle at a time. Thank you for all the prayers. Just remember the Lord knows us better then we know ourselves. Trust him and your life will be more than you ever dreamed.
It’s interesting how Heavenly Father works. I’ve grown up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints all my life. I’ve experience miracles and watched my own faith grow. I’ve been through trials that have shaped me and moment of uneasiness with the lord. He always seems to remind me that things don’t happen on my time but his. And as the free spirit I am I continue to test him, trying to get things my way.
Background Dreams: I always had my life planned out. I’d graduate High School go to college and get a degree. Then move on to traveling the world and serving a LDS mission. Shortly after marrying my best friend around age 24 and have kids two or three years later.
Reality: I graduated High School and went to college. (Still undecided on a degree). I was blessed enough to go to Africa. Yes, I did marry my best friend just three years earlier than planned.
My point is my life does not unfold on my time line. I know that, I keep getting reminded of its truth. Here I am 25 and in my mind 6 years ago, I’d just be getting married.
How grateful I am to be married to the world’s greatest man for 4 years instead and have a beautiful little girl. Not only that but instead of just getting married Heavenly Father had a bigger plan. This year I get to bring an Angel into this world. A spirit so pure and sweet that white is dull against her beauty.
I never imaged Angels in my fairytale of life, but the lord did. September 11, 2011 is the due date of our sweet girl Autumn Faith Lupus. We look to the future with great anticipation to meet that amazing, noble spirit.
Whenever I would tell someone my due date they would cringe at the thought of September 11th due to the tragedy years ago. But, I always smiled and said that is the day hero’s were born. What a beautiful day.
Friday the 13th (May) Caz and I learned our little baby girl was more than just a baby. That is the day we saw a specialist in Ultrasounds at Utah Valley Hospital where we were informed our baby had severe birth defects. As we went through the ultra sound with the doctor he pointed out her Omphalocele, which is her liver and bowls out side her body. Lissencephaly, smooth brain that causes severe mental retardation and other motor problems. Ventricular septal defect (VSD), which is a whole in her heart. Agenesis of the corpus callosum that are other brain defect. Clubfeet and hands. After the ultra sound was all said and done we went into the office and that is where the doctors explained everything that was going on with our baby and they were concerned that she would also have Trisomy 18, and many other problems we can not see. Becki the Genetics counselor told us it’s not a matter of if she’ll live it’s a matter of when she’ll die. 90% of babies with Trisomy 18 are stillborns and the other 10% only live a few hours. In that moment, the uneasy feelings I’d had this whole pregnancy were confirmed. So many people’s lives would have been shattered with the news. Some would abort and other would get depressed. I cannot lie; our hearts ached for our little girl. Tears were pored from our face as we held each other both wanting to fight for her life. The idea of bring home a normal baby were shattered that day. But faith and hope filled the shattered whole. Instead of normal we get angel. Instead of easiness we get faith.
Becki also told us off the record we are all given a time to parent, some of us don’t know how long that is days, years or just a few moments. We need to parent the best we can and love our child the time we have them. So if our baby girl only lives a few hours do we want her in surgery or do we want to hold her.
I want to hold her and kiss her little face and tell her I’m so happy she is part of our family. That she has a mom and dad that love her more than life. That we will be together forever. I want to promise her I’m going to work hard then extra hard to make it to heaven because that is where eternity is, that is where she will be. That she’s my angel on a cloud. She’s my Autumn Faith. The soul in the wind, the whisper of truth. Eternal life and an example of service. Though I can’t feel her fragile body move inside of mine. We are connected all the same. Spirit and heart, body and soul. She’s my baby girl and I love her so much.
May 17th I went in for an Amniocentesis where they take fluid from the sack and test for Trisomy 18 and other problems. Good news, testing came back normal so we have a better chance of getting her here. The lab is doing deeper testing and hopefully they will have more results for us next week. We will take one miracle at a time. Thank you for all the prayers. Just remember the Lord knows us better then we know ourselves. Trust him and your life will be more than you ever dreamed.
South Carolina
We have been living is South Carolina for about 3 weeks now and absolutely love this green, green state. Oakley was such a big girl on the way here she didn't really cry and every time we made a stop we put her on the potty and she would go. We stopped in Nauvoo as you can see two post earlier. When we arrived in SC we where blown away with all the green forest and wild flowers.
The move has turned our little baby girl into a big girl it seems. She is now in a twin bed, goodbye crib. I was completely terrified of this change but she is amazing. It only took me shutting her door 3 times for about a minute a piece for her to stay in her bed and not get out. She is out of diapers, cold turkey and doing well at that too. That is as long as I'm constantly on her and putting her on the potty every hour. She is so funny she will only tell me she has to go potty if she wants a treat, in underwear not pull ups, we are at a store or she's teasing me. The next thing to change will be the stinking bottle,I hate that thing! She only gets it when she goes to bed or down for a nap but I feel that slows down potty training at night. So I'm trying to replace the bottle with reading books but for now she still wants both. Her all time favorite book is Froggy Green and she has parts of it memorized so she loves reading it to me. This move has been a great time to help our little girl grow up even though I wish I could keep her my tinny baby forever! I love watching her learn and be able to do new things. She is such a joy in my life and makes me laugh every day. I love being a mom more than anything else in this world.
The move has turned our little baby girl into a big girl it seems. She is now in a twin bed, goodbye crib. I was completely terrified of this change but she is amazing. It only took me shutting her door 3 times for about a minute a piece for her to stay in her bed and not get out. She is out of diapers, cold turkey and doing well at that too. That is as long as I'm constantly on her and putting her on the potty every hour. She is so funny she will only tell me she has to go potty if she wants a treat, in underwear not pull ups, we are at a store or she's teasing me. The next thing to change will be the stinking bottle,I hate that thing! She only gets it when she goes to bed or down for a nap but I feel that slows down potty training at night. So I'm trying to replace the bottle with reading books but for now she still wants both. Her all time favorite book is Froggy Green and she has parts of it memorized so she loves reading it to me. This move has been a great time to help our little girl grow up even though I wish I could keep her my tinny baby forever! I love watching her learn and be able to do new things. She is such a joy in my life and makes me laugh every day. I love being a mom more than anything else in this world.
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